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Your best clean silly fun jokes? Please?


Ree

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Hi,

 

I am going through a bout of really high anxiety/depression at the moment, so I thought I would ask you all for your best clean jokes to help make me feel better.  Others might get a giggle out if them too!  Thanks for contributing!

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So this pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants, so the bartender says, hey, you have a steering wheel in your pants!, so the pirate says, arrrrr, it's drivin me nuts!

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A little mushroom waddles into a bar.  He wiggles up onto the barstool, catches his breath, and says "Hey, Hey bartender, can I get a drink??" 

 

The bartender looks over and sees the little mushroom, frowns, and says "We don't serve mushrooms in this bar, get outta here!"

 

Sad, the little mushroom hops off the barstool and waddles away out of the bar.

 

- -

 

The next day, the little mushroom walks back into the same bar, wiggles back onto the barstool, and calls out "Excuse me, bartender, can I have a drink??"

 

The bartender looks over, sees the mushroom again, and says "I told you yesterday, we don't serve mushrooms in this bar, now get outta here!!!"

 

The sad little mushroom hops off the barstool and waddles out of the bar.

 

- -

 

The following day -again- the little mushroom walks into the bar, wiggles onto the barstool and calls out to the bartender "Hey, mister, can I get a drink"

 

The bartender, gets up, walks over, and says "I've told you again and again, we don't serve mushrooms in this establishment!  Now Get Outta Here!!!"

 

The little mushroom pouts, then says "Aww come on bartender!  I'm a real Fun-gi!"

 

- -

- -

- -

 

Get it?  Fungi, like Fun Guy?  :D

Edited by Acro
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A little mushroom waddles into a bar.  He wiggles up onto the barstool, catches his breath, and says "Hey, Hey bartender, can I get a drink??" 

 

The bartender looks over and sees the little mushroom, frowns, and says "We don't serve mushrooms in this bar, get outta here!"

 

Sad, the little mushroom hops off the barstool and waddles away out of the bar.

 

- -

 

The next day, the little mushroom walks back into the same bar, wiggles back onto the barstool, and calls out "Excuse me, bartender, can I have a drink??"

 

The bartender looks over, sees the mushroom again, and says "I told you yesterday, we don't serve mushrooms in this bar, now get outta here!!!"

 

The sad little mushroom hops off the barstool and waddles out of the bar.

 

- -

 

The following day -again- the little mushroom walks into the bar, wiggles onto the barstool and calls out to the bartender "Hey, mister, can I get a drink"

 

The bartender, gets up, walks over, and says "I've told you again and again, we don't serve mushrooms in this establishment!  Now Get Outta Here!!!"

 

The little mushroom pouts, then says "Aww come on bartender!  I'm a real Fun-gi!"

 

- -

- -

- -

 

Get it?  Fungi, like Fun Guy?  :D

Ok that is just sad.

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A little mushroom waddles into a bar.  He wiggles up onto the barstool, catches his breath, and says "Hey, Hey bartender, can I get a drink??" 

 

The bartender looks over and sees the little mushroom, frowns, and says "We don't serve mushrooms in this bar, get outta here!"

 

Sad, the little mushroom hops off the barstool and waddles away out of the bar.

 

- -

 

The next day, the little mushroom walks back into the same bar, wiggles back onto the barstool, and calls out "Excuse me, bartender, can I have a drink??"

 

The bartender looks over, sees the mushroom again, and says "I told you yesterday, we don't serve mushrooms in this bar, now get outta here!!!"

 

The sad little mushroom hops off the barstool and waddles out of the bar.

 

- -

 

The following day -again- the little mushroom walks into the bar, wiggles onto the barstool and calls out to the bartender "Hey, mister, can I get a drink"

 

The bartender, gets up, walks over, and says "I've told you again and again, we don't serve mushrooms in this establishment!  Now Get Outta Here!!!"

 

The little mushroom pouts, then says "Aww come on bartender!  I'm a real Fun-gi!"

 

- -

- -

- -

 

Get it?  Fungi, like Fun Guy?  :D

 

Love it Acro!  Thankyou!

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dad-jokes-004.jpg

 

Hi Goldfishgirl82,  :rofl2

 

You would not believe how my family this is!!! My mum used to say 1 & 2 when I was little, my husband 3 & 4, and my father in law No 5.   :whistle

 

Did anyone else notice 4 & 5 are in the wrong order? :teehee  Sorry, OCD overload today!!!

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jesus-fish-loave-starving-people-859981.

 

Jesus in Northern California 

 

You know that is something that never crossed my mind!  People are much more aware about food intolerance/allergies/choices than they were 2000+ years ago!

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How about some funny cat pictures? :teehee

 

Late-For-Work.jpg

 

pyzamtinkerbell.jpg

 

FunnySign10.jpg

 

35564637.gif

 

1250395270454.gif

 

Oh Fishofgold!   Puddy humour!  YAY

 

I love the third one... That made me giggle!

 

I love the last one most!!!!!!!!!!!!!  The look on that kittens face is priceless.... 'wat juz append?'

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Men Are Just Happier People --


What do you expect from such simple creatures?


Your last name stays put.


The garage is all yours.


Wedding plans take care of themselves.


Chocolate is just another snack...


You can never be pregnant.


You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.


You can wear NO shirt to a water park.


Car mechanics tell you the truth.


The world is your urinal.


You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.


You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.


Same work, more pay.


Wrinkles add character.


Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.


People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.


New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.


One mood all the time.


Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.


You know stuff about tanks.


A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.


You can open all your own jars.


If someone forgets to invite you,

He or she can still be your friend.


Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.


Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.


Everything on your face stays its original colour.


The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.


You only have to shave your face and neck.


You can play with toys all your life.


One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.


You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.


You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.


You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.


You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives


On December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________

Men Are Just Happier People

****************


NICKNAMES


If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.



EATING OUT


When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.


When the girls get their bill, outcome the pocket calculators...YEP!!!



MONEY


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs


A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS


A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.


The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS


A woman has the last word in any argument.


Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.


A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.


A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.


A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.


Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.


A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.




THOUGHT FOR THE DAY


A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

 

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I've always loved this one and searched it out just for you!  It seems true, especially when you're expecting something live in the mail!

 

 

2d0UmVG.jpg

Edited by Acro
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Ah Jim, Jim!  That is funny... I relate really well to this one... ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

 

"You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky."

 

There maybe a lot of things men don't understand about women, and frustrate you all to pieces, but wouldn't life be more boring without us?

 

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I've always loved this one and searched it out just for you!  It seems true, especially when you're expecting something live in the mail!

 

 

2d0UmVG.jpg

 

Acro... that has happened to me!  I've been home when a package has 'arrived'.  The postie van pulled up out the front, looked at the door, it was open, got out and put the 'I missed you, please pick it up at the post office' slip in the letterbox (ten paces from the door), then disappeared into the sunset!

 

That's brilliant though!  I am a Jehovah's Witness, and very shy, so sometimes if I was feeling extra shy that day I would knock really quietly on a householders door...  Maybe I should apply for a job delivering parcels! LOL

 

I can imagine how frustrating that would be when you are expecting live fish!

Edited by Ree
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Jim that was Awesome.... TD and I joke about this Video all the time....

 

 

 

SORRY SOME LANGUAGE PROBLEMS!!! I had to keep it turned down for Justine... Beware!

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I asked my translation students to translate an untranslatable joke based upon the fact that the Norwegian for reindeer and the word for clean are the same in Norwegian.  One came up with.

 

A wife moose walked up her husband, who stood standing in the river, washing himself.

 

"What are you doing?"  asked the wife moose.

 

"Washing myself.  It's quicker than waiting for the rain, dear."

 

The student ended by asking me if I thought it was amoosing :rofl :rofl

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Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

 

 

An elderly couple are in church. The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" The husband replies, "First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!"

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Jim that was Awesome.... TD and I joke about this Video all the time....

 

 

 

SORRY SOME LANGUAGE PROBLEMS!!! I had to keep it turned down for Justine... Beware!

 

:teehee  Oh Koko, that was a giggle!  Ill have to show my hubby that one!

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I asked my translation students to translate an untranslatable joke based upon the fact that the Norwegian for reindeer and the word for clean are the same in Norwegian.  One came up with.

 

A wife moose walked up her husband, who stood standing in the river, washing himself.

 

"What are you doing?"  asked the wife moose.

 

"Washing myself.  It's quicker than waiting for the rain, dear."

 

The student ended by asking me if I thought it was amoosing :rofl :rofl

 

Ah, Motherredcap, I LOVE this!  :rofl3

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